Death & Rebirth


Cosmic Womb Mandala
Both the Divine (white, yellow) as well as the universe (green) are born from the Cosmic Womb (black), while continuously returning to their Origin

Death & Rebirth

Light in the Darkness

Part 2

O, Night
In You I can relax
feeling utterly myself
masks are spontaneously dropped
enjoying closeness to
the one(s) I love
Your Depth is my Depth
I find the Light


Part 1

Dear Friends,

The "idea" of the Great Night as the Womb of both the Eternal Light and the universe is as old as mankind. Early records of Sumeria confirm this. People considered the Night as the Body of the Great Mother. Everything is born out of Her, while continuously returning. It was the reason why the Sumerians (and later the Babylonians) were fascinated by the Night, its stars and the moon. They were great astronomers. In Egypt it was the Primordial MotherGoddess Nut, portrayed as covering "Heaven and Earth". Hence, Her successor Isis is often black. In Her turn She is the Source of the Black Madonna's. The latter thus representing the Tradition of the Original Great Mother. Kybele, the "Mother of the Gods" was a "Black Stone". The Stone was sacred because it descended - as a meteorite - from the Dark Heavenly Womb. In India the MotherGoddess Kali is black, while in China the Tao is considered the Dark Cosmic Womb. In Buddhism the Ultimate is called "Emptiness beyond Emptiness" (Nirvana)*. The (black) Ka'aba in Mecca represents the same Truth**. Just like the (lapis lazuli) Stone - the Grail - in the Parsifal legend. Ruusbroec, the famous medieval mystic christened it by calling Christ the "Shining Stone". Islam has another reminder of ancient times: the annual Great Night Celebrations ("Mawlid") as an honour to Al Zayyida Zaynab, granddaughter of the Prophet, and ultimately personification of the ancient Mother Isis.

* When I was in Koyasan (Japan), the centre of Esoteric Buddhism, revering the Womb as the Ultimate Reality, I attended a Dark Room Prayer Meeting

** Black is the color of Islam in general; Moslim women are wearing black veils......They represent the Original Mother....

Because of its uniqueness some elaboration on the Great Night is appropriate. Al Sayyida Zaynab witnessed the internal war among the grandchildren of Mohammed. At Kerbala (now Iraq) Her brother Al-Husayn was killed and decapitated. Al Sayyida could eventually stop further killings. That's why She is considered the Protectress of the Oppressed, the Healer and the Consoler. Just like Isis healed the body of Her husband Osiris. Which in its turn is related to deepest spiritual insight about the Great Night as the Source of Regeneration. Put this all together and you've got the Celebration of the Great Night in Egypt. The Night as the manifestation of the Dark Womb! The Womb is all-embracing, hence all people - beggars, sinners, prostitutes, the poor, the a-social - are equally welcomed. As one of the rare occasions women are priviledged during that time. They occupy the main entrance to Al Sayyida's Shrine. For men it is forbidden to enter through that gate. Moreover, the segregation between the sexes is lifted, together with other social restrictions. This reminds very much of ancient Mother Celebrations, where chaos was considered the primordial ground of life and fertility. European Carneval is a reminder of the same Old Tradition, too. Al Zayyida is considered Mother of the Nile, Egypt and all people. She therefore has a semi-divine status. In short: with the Great Night of Egypt a treasure from (very) old times has been preserved. To honour this I have called our Initiation "Great Night".*

* Read: Nadia Abu-Zahra "The Pure and the Powerful", 1997 Ithaca

The destructive aspect of the Womb is the Underworld. "Classical example" of this is the MotherGoddess Inanna (Sumeria) who descended into the Underworld in order to get Her Lover Tammuz (Dumuzi) back. Hellenistic Mysteries return to e.g. elaborate on this theme. They transformed it into spiritual renewal: death of the old and birth of the New. We are very lucky to have a personal account of the Isis Mysteries through Apuleius (2. CE) who in his "Metamorphoses" describes in detail the procedures. "I arrived at the border of Life and Death. In the Underworld I stepped across the threshold of the MotherGoddess, and, after I travelled through the elements, I returned. At midnight I saw a bright radiating Sun". The essence: he had to confront himself with Darkness first - being prepared to die - in order to making space for the New, the Light to appear. It is a voluntary death in order to become reborn. Dionysos, the Greek God, is said to be "Twice Mothered" (Dimeter) and "Thrice Realized" (Trigonos). He is the late representative of "dying and resurrecting Gods" or "Son/Lovers" of the Great Mother, as they existed from ancient times. Further examples are Demeter and Kore (Mother and Daughter), Kybele and Attis, Astarte and Baal, Atargatis and Hadad, Aphrodite and Adonis, while Jesus is a Son of the Mother too*. This Tradition was continued by Medieval Alchemy. There its core practice (THE GREAT WORK) consisted of 1) going back to the Origin ("blackening") 2) to be reborn as a New Self ("whitening"/"yellowing") while subsequently 3) healing the world ("reddening")**, which, nowadays, for obvious reasons, is changed into "greening"*. Never before THE GREAT WORK had such an urgency as it has today.

* See: "Jesus Canaanite"

** Which - not surprisingly - exactly corresponds with the Dimensions of the Cosmic Womb Mandala. See sideline.

This swinging from Darkness to Light is very prominent with some Christian mystics, as well. Dionysos Aeropagita speaks about it, for John of the Cross it is even the central theme of his life and work. During many years of captivity - locked up by his fellow monks! - he had plenty of opportunity to go deep into the secret of Darkness. His despair is matched with trust as he wrote down: "Although I find my pleasure, Sir, in hope of someday seeing you, I see that I can lose you too, which makes my pain doubly severe, and so I live in darkest fear, and hope, wait as life goes by, dying because I do not die". Isn't this VERY beautiful? Later he exclaims: "O Night my guide, O Night more friendly than the dawn! O tender Night that tied loved one and the lover fused as One! His secret: through the Night he came to the Light. Since the latter is born out of the former, Light and Darkness are two sides of the same coin. The so-called "Dark Night of the Soul" is an initiation into this deepest of Depths. In fact, if you watch Darkness f.i. in the bed before going to sleep, then, sooner or later, your very watching (the darkness in front of you) proves to be the first spark of that Light. It may become stronger and stronger until Darkness and Light fuse. Characteristically, John speaks about initial fear too. Surrendering to the Night this fear dissolves. Therefore, the "Dark Night of the Soul" is an essential phase on the Road to Integration and Wholeness*. In her book "Mysticism", an absolute highlight in its field, Evelyn Underhill describes this process in detail. Recently the university of Dortmund (Germany) (Prof. Hartmut Holzmüller and Prof Vanessa Hasselhof) have confirmed that "people are more creative in the dark". First one thought that is was because of sensory deprivation. But the result of 30% more creativity could not explained by it. Conclusion: in darkness there is a (much) higher degree of inner freedom....Almost unavoidable: the results were almost immediately instrumentalized for corporate gain. Through seminars in dark rooms one hopes to raise the effectiveness of the company. I lay emphasis on the Essence of Darkness, though. To me this is the ultimate Sacred Realm.

* For the practical aspects, see Part 2

Dear Friends,

In the early seventies I didn't know about these things, at all. Yes, my interest was raised by Zen, which I practised quite regularly. Through it I experienced a first step toward liberation, the discovery of who you really are: the inner observer. There appears to be an inner distance between this new oneSelf and one's thinking. You are not dominated by the latter anymore. Then, through reading something of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, I was touched in my innermost core, in such a way, that I HAD to go to India to "meet him" (October 1977). Upon arrival I immediately found myself in a very special state of awareness. Everything in and around me had a transparency I hadn't experienced before. Then, on the fourth day, while walking in the garden, suddenly and totally unexpected, the energy started to "withdraw" from my feet up to my trunk, leaving behind no feelings. At last, there was only a very alive circle on my skull left. At that Moment the "Lightning" struck, destroying my whole existence. For a short while, there was only Absolute Blackness. Immediately after I dissolved into Eternal Light, a state of timeless and limitless Bliss. This Oneness that I AM was everywhere, including the grass, the flowers, the birds, the people.....This lasted the whole day. That same night, again totally unexpected, I was confronted with an equally timeless and limitless Ocean of Horror. It was immensely powerful, threatening to suck me in. I knew that if that happened I would be finished: die or become psychotic. The only faculty left of myself (everything else was "stripped off"), was my clear awareness. Through sitting exactly in the vertical line (like I had learned through Zen) I could resist the waves of Angst that tried to swallow me. By holding out for some hours the Horror finally faded away. The bright morning sun symbolized my "resurrection".....

I now know that this is the Primordial Experience, the deepest spiritual Realization possible. It is nothing less than the "encounter" with the Ultimate Reality: the Cosmic Mother. Through Her (Emptiness) I experienced "death and rebirth", for the first time described by Inanna, while subsequently inspiring many initiates after Her. Permanent joy, lightness, totally carefree while living in the Moment had replaced my previous troublesome life. Through it my life was totally turned upside down. For ten years I lived in uninterrupted Bliss, while being granted more Great Experiences, until...... the Divine started to "withdraw" itself. Why? Because it wants you to be "thrown upon yourself", once again to still doing some "homework". This consists of still integrating those (stubborn!) parts of the old self, which apparently did not dissolve in all those years, into the New Identity. It is giving you the chance of knowing your most troublesome inner obstacles. This is needed, because for becoming a spiritual leader all unprocessed emotional complexes should be at least known, acknowledged and if possible accepted, integrated in such away, that they don't live a separate life anymore. The spiritual Dimension wants to manifest itself in the world, unhindered by undissolved problems of the avatar! With me this cleansing process took about twenty years.... proof of the power of my shadow! Only if this process is concluded successfully, one is chosen to be a Teacher, in my case a Servant/Messenger of the Cosmic Mother. Alleluia!* For some years I was - to my knowledge - the only one with this kind of Realization. Recently, I discovered a brother, who equally was granted "death and rebirth" through the Mother. It is the Christian/Hindu monk Bede Griffiths. He not only had a genuine (almost complete) Experience, but also recognized the Mother as being the cause of it. Very unique indeed!

* Alleluia originally means "Praise Mother Astarte"

Last but not least, the contribution the above mentioned can make to science. Let's take S.Hawking's theories as a starting point. He assumes that the universe has an inherent intelligent design (everything interrelated to each other in a very unique way). However, his conclusion is totally opposite to that of Christian fundamentalists. Namely, because it is intelligent, there is no space for a biblical God. If the Cosmos is intelligent by itself, there is no need for an additional creator. The Truth is, that we ourselves are part of the Cosmos, sharing with it its Omni-Present Intelligence. If I possess Cosmic Intelligence, then I can trust my deepest insights. Insights into my Essence gives me insight about Ultimate Reality. It means, that going within (spirituality) and going without (physics) are two sides of the same coin. Two different roads to the same Reality. And indeed, going within gave me an unsurpassible sense of Reality, in fact, I AM that Reality. Insight into MySelf is Cosmic insight! Therefore, this insight is absolute, unshakable (which can be annoying to some, liberating to most). Having said this, I will evaluate S.Hawkings "Grand Design" a little further. He says that the basic elements of the uiverse are 1. the Vacuum 2. the Quanten World 3 Gravity. His conclusion: "Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exists". Moreover, he shares with other physicists the observation, that in the Vacuum there are innumerable quanten fluctuations i.e. waves that are continously born and destroyed. Obviously, he uses many and complicated other laws from physics to make his point. Theories, that I am not able to assess.

I, on the other hand, look at the results. My conclusion: he indeed comes very close to the Truth. In the end, however, he fails to combine the above mentioned Core Elements into a dynamic, intelligent and "logic" Whole. E.g. what are the relationships between the Vacuum, the Quanten World and Gravity? As long as you don't know that, you don't know the universe. Thus, to call your conclusions "Grand Design"* (as he does) is a little hasty, indeed. What makes me so confident? First of all, I am not impressed by those voices, who say "that the time of Grand Designs is over". To clarify my claims, I will simply put S.Hawking's findings next to mine. Here it goes. Yes, the Ultimate Reality is a Vacuum. It coincides with "my" Moment ot Total Annihilation (Blackness). Yes, there is the Quanten World. It coincides with me dissolving into the Eternal Light. This Light is born out of the Vacuum. However, this Light is not the common light, it doesn't consist of common waves and particles. It is definitely Supranatural (see earlier). Hence, differentiation has to be made between them. The Supranatural coincides with Higgs Field**, the "Field" that first emanates from the Vacuum. Only second and third emanations comply with the "material" quanten, as described by physics. The Higgs Field comes close to what spirituality calls Cosmic Intelligence, what religion (some religions) call the Divine. Proof: dissolved into IT, you KNOW that in the Depth of your Being you Are the Ultimate. Since everything is in it, the visible world appears to be the content of the Eternal Light. Hence, at this point I can give you a first conclusion, already. The Vacuum in its Bottomlessness gives birth - indeed, spontaneous, like S.Hawking says - to the Eternal Light, which in its turn is giving birth to the universe or world as we "know" it.

* S.Hawking's latest book

** See: "Science of Mother Healing"

Dear Friends,

Conclusion: Not "God" created the world out of nothingness, but Nothingness is giving birth to both "God" (the Divine) and the universe, the latter continuously returning to their Origin". It sheds a totally new light on Reality. So, S.Hawking is right with regard to the fact, that apart from Reality no "Creator God" exists. And certainly not a "God of the Bible". Not "God", but the Vacuum - the Cosmic Womb - is the Origin of All. The Eternal Light is born from the "Lap" of the Universal Mother. So, yes, "God" (the Divine, the inherent Intelligence of the Cosmos) exists, but "he" (IT) is not the Ultimate. Rather than being the Origin, "he" is the "Son" of the Mother. The latter is the Real Mystery ("M-Theory"). It complies with a Gnostic text, where "God" boasts: "I am the only one", whereafter the Cosmic Mother exclaims: "Jahweh, you are a lier!". Fine sofar, however, everything could still become jeopardized, unless we find a "solution" to the third Core Element: Gravity. How does this fit into my Supreme (haha) Design? Well, it corresponds with my Experience of the Underworld, that Ocean of Horror, in which I was stripped off of all my personality faculties. In a split second my thinking, emotions, (bodily) feeling, energy, all that was destroyed. Even my awareness was on the brink of disappearing. Without any relationship with other Cosmic Forces, this Experience doesn't make sense. Unless..... here it is. While the Eternal Light is the Creation Force of the Vacuum, Gravity is the Destruction Part. There are thus two Cosmic Forces, that maintain a dynamic equilibrium: Creation ("moving from the Center to the periphery": centrifugal) and Destruction ("moving from the periphery to the Center": centripetal). They act simultaneously. The first is the Quanten World, the second is Gravity. Gravity includes everything - Dark Matter - that is on its way back to the Bottomlessness of the Cosmic Womb ("Waste Bin"). It is the reason Dark Matter has no energy of its own. The Destructive Force of the Vacuum has stripped it off. Conclusion: by tuning in to the Great Night we become part of this Cosmic Vessel of Regeneration. All our old things are constantly broken down by IT, while the new is being born. In Part 2, I will elaborate on the practicalities!*

* See also: "Science of Mother Healing"

In spirituality and religion the key issue is the ego. Simply defined it is self-centeredness. A certain amount of it is natural, for personal survival is part of our existence. However, if it exceeds reasonable limits it turns into its opposite. Too much self-centeredness damages the relationship with other people and beyond. Nowadays it is the cause of the destruction of the planet. The point is that in the past no any religious system managed to curb the ego. On the contrary. Religions itself are driven by organizational egoism. At the same time the situation is rather acute. The very survival of the world as we know it is at stake. Now, solutions are found in niches that were neglected. It won't surprise you anymore. For more than 2000 years religions were obsessed by Light. What was denied, oppressed, rejected, demonized was Darkness. Indeed, standing before a Buddha statue your inner core might for a short moment become "enlightened". The result, however, isn't abolishment of the ego. Sooner or later the ego even tries to also become a Buddha. Ego-ambition being the driving force. To follow Jesus hasn't brought the result it was "hoped for" either. Identification with a "savior" and/or "holy book" only led to fanatism of some sort or another.The New Age slogan "just become empty" (Dutch: "even lekker leeg-zijn") only testifies to a incredible superficiality. So what could cure us from our ego-obsession? The first miracle is sleep. Every evening we surrender to darkness without feeling uncomfortable or fearful. Darkness must be very comforting, indeed. Actually, it is to no surprise, because we all spent 9 months in the darkness of our mother's womb! This seems to be the right environment to optimally grow as a foetus. So, our primordial memory concerns darkness, not light. Subsequently, in the night our ego disintegrates, loosing control over the mind. Isn't that amazing?

The night "achieves" what otherwise seems impossible. It is nothing less than a temporary ego-death. Through it, you are able to give back the burden of the day to the bottomlessness of darkness. The latter time and again taking it back "without complaints". Through dreams more "deep" conflicts are experienced, accepted and integrated. Because of this the night is the first Most Sacred Pillar of our new spirituality. We honor it by "using" the time before sleep for therapy. These are the best moment to "giving back" everything that troubles you*. The second Most Sacred Pillar is embodied by the Black Madonna's**. The latter being the visible manifestations of the Cosmic Mother. Through their "personalized" form (although still completely "neutral") the accessibility to the Mother is easy. However, their main characteristic is as primordial as their Birthgiver: Darkness. The result: familiairity and mystery as two sides of the same coin. Her (Mother)Goddess appearence invites us to come closer. And then, suddenly, we are confronted by Her Blackness. She leaves us only two choices: to relate or not to relate. There isn't a middle way. Her Darkness has the same effect as the night: we are drawn into Her Bottomlessness. It is the cause of Her fascination, because deep within we feel Her benificial side: the release of our burden. However, the consequences may go further. She might destroy our ego - our self-image: everything we think we are - as well. Because the ego is all we "have" (are) this equals the fear of death. Unlike any other religious symbol the Black Madonna's are the true Destructresses of ego. It may put us in an acute inner conflict. If She destroys "me" what will there be left? Indeed, Western civilization has no answer to that. It is ignorant about the existence of awareness, our inner watching, our True Self. Therefore, guidance is a "condition sine qua non". Somebody has to tell you, that after giving up your "self" your True Self will be born. Hail to the Black Madonna, because She is the Cauldron of Ongoing Renewal.

* See: "Prayer, Contemplation and Mantra"
** See "Black Madonna of Einsiedeln"

In German, Christmas is called "Weihnachten" which means "Blessed Night". The most famous Christmas song is "Silent Night, Holy Night". And indeed, in Christian Tradition Christmas Mass is (was) held at MidNight, symbolizing that the Light is born out of Darkness. Too bad that these obvious facts have lost their meaning. We have to remind the Church of its own Truths!

The third Most Sacred Pillar is the Great Night Initiation*. Only those who go back to the Origin will be truly renewed. Our Initiation is a rare chance, especially, because the best of spirituality and science is combined here. To give you a taste of what you can expect. In the first days, you struggle with thoughts. They resist Darkness, because they don't want "to die"**. So, quite some obsessive hours can (not necessarily) disturb your mind. Then, sooner or later, the intensity suddenly subsides. It becomes peaceful within. This is also due to the fact, that you always keep feeling contact with your body ("feeling awareness"), while constantly watching the Dark. This gives you inner stability. Subsequently, desires and emotions may pop up: pain, fear, anger, sexual desire..... "Breakthrough" of the "collective unconscious" is characterized by vivid images, "archetypes", dreams and visions, both "positive" and/or "negative". In this stage you have the opportunity of integrating pieces of your shadow. Personal consultations with the teacher supports this process. You may learn about your hidden potentials. In the mean time, your awareness has gained in quality. It is becoming more clear, bright and transparent. While watching, the Darkness becomes shining, to an extent, that you cannot distinguish Darkness from Light. It is the Moment, that your deepest fear dissolves! The Moments of Timelessness and Limitlessness are becoming more frequent. What can happen is, that "suddenly" you become part of Oneness, the Transcendental. It confirms the teaching, saying that Light is born out of Darkness. You have realized Cosmic Insight! Which will be a unique turning point in your life. Physicists who study the universe - and not only them - may have intuitions, that exceed every previous experience, lasting a long time after. People, open to the idea of Darkness as Cosmic Womb may contemplate the Mystery behind. Great joy and gratitude are overflowing. You may start singing, dancing. Some will shed tears. PS. This picture is an "ideal" one. In practice, everybody has his/her own unique experience. However, elements described here will be certainly recognized. It gives you an anchor in the Sea of Shining Darkness. For further information, see "Practicalities"

* With Han Marie Stiekema, who himself descended to the very Depth of it.
** See: "Book of the Dead"

Mother's Blessings to you all

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"Which artist wouldn't want to live in the Centre of all living movements.and actions......In the Lap of Nature, in the "Urground" of Creation, where the secret key to all things lies hidden?"

Paul Klee

"You are not going to be Enlightened by imagining light, but through becoming aware of Darkness"

C.G. Jung

"A time will come, which is miraculous,
one that begins in the Night"

Jacob Boehme

"Darkness precedes the Light"

Salerno Cathedral

"In the night everything makes much more fun. And everything is protected by a mantle of darkness"

Leslie Feist

A heart awakened has eyes: percieves the Light in Dark of Night

Angelus Silesius

Out of th Deep Darkness of Night a Light burst upon my soul

Swami Paramananda


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Great Night Initiation

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Last revising: 12/08/13